After getting out of the hospital for the second time in a month, a quick realization hit me. Working during chemo wasn’t working. I didn’t realize until about day 4 of 5 in the hospital how incredibly stressed out I was. I hit a wall, after spending ten days in the course of a month stuck in a hospital bed, and hitting that wall was like a rush of emotions. Every time I tried to speak or think or was spoken to, I couldn’t stop myself from crying. It could have been a little bit of isolation insanity, but it dug deeper than that. Once I was out of the hospital, the idea of how much work I had already been missing and not being ready to go back quite yet quickly turned into the realization that I didn’t want to go back while I was doing chemo. That I couldn’t focus on getting better while constantly worrying about my future absences from work.
My work was incredibly supportive of my decision to take a leave of absence. A part of them probably knew it was coming eventually, it was just a matter of time before it happened. I quickly began the paperwork to apply for short term disability through my work’s benefits program, and I hope to be approved through the middle of May, when my treatment is supposed to end. If I am approved for short term disability, I will be able to continue getting paid a majority of my salary even without working. This will take a huge burden off my shoulders, because of the thousands of dollars of medical bills that I expect to start rolling in at any moment. But besides financially, just the ability to relax and focus on me and focus on beating this cancer is all that I can handle and all that I want to handle.
Now, my schedule is free. The new challenge is keeping myself busy enough, while also giving myself the much needed time to heal. I could spend every day laying in my bed, continuing to binge on any and every television show I can find on Netflix and Hulu. I could never go outside except for doctor’s appointments and chemo. But I refuse to let that become my new life. So I’ve been mixing it up and trying new things, focusing my time on things I like to do and things that will help me get through this tough time. The newest addition to my weekly schedule is yoga class. The Froedtert Cancer Center offers restorative yoga class once a week for cancer survivors and patients, and it’s the perfect chance for me to get out of the house and keep active. I’ve tried yoga in the past, and I’ve liked it. And now, I have the time and the reason to go back to yoga to help with my medical problems and keep my strength up.
I also absolutely love graphic design. Anyone who knows me knows that I love design. This past year, I’ve been so exhausted and sick, from the Crohn’s Disease and then the cancer, I didn’t have enough time to dedicate to what I’m really passionate about. Now, I have more time to do what I want to do. It’s an amazing feeling, knowing I have a break in time where I can focus on just me and what keeps me sane during the scariest and most unknown time in my life.
I’m falling into a new routine, getting used to the timeline of when I’m not going to be feeling great and when I might be feeling up to doing more. I force myself sometimes to go do things even if I’m not feeling well, and it usually ends with me feeling a little more like myself and a little less like a cancer patient. I can still go out on dates with my boyfriend or out shopping with my mom and sisters. I have to be careful, of course. Obviously, every time I’ve had chemo, once my white blood cell count drops I’ve been admitted into the hospital. If I get lucky this time and don’t get admitted, that week will be the week I have to be the most careful I’ve ever been. No going to public places, no being around anyone who’s sick or came into contact with someone who was sick. During my Nadirs so far, my counts drop to 0, which means they’ll continue to probably drop to 0, which means I’ll have no immune system during this time.
But, like I said before, not having to go to work during chemo will have a lot of benefits. Relaxation, healing, and less exposure to germs. We’ll see how my new schedule goes, and if I can keep myself sane while also battling all the germs out there in the world. It’s an extreme balancing act that will take some getting used to, but I plan to use my time wisely and keep my head up high.
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